Is Avoiding Sabotaging Your Life?
How good are you at avoiding?
🤔 Do you procrastinate replying to (or even reading!) an email that requires us to commit, or say no, or express an unpopular view?
🤔 Do you change the subject or shut down when a co-worker raises an uncomfortable topic?
🤔 How often do you find yourself acting rashly just to get something uncomfortable off your plate?
🤔 Do you find yourself declining opportunities to speak in meetings or in front of groups for fear of having all eyes on you?
Many of us are experts at avoiding situations that we find unpleasant or worrying, but we do so at great cost to physical and mental health, our careers, and that of our teams. While it feels temporarily better to avoid, in fact that avoidance can be the cause of significant anxiety.
Some of us are SO GOOD at avoiding discomfort and yet are so anxious all the time, that we aren’t even conscious that our behavior is avoidant in the first place. Thus, we lack the opportunity to address the root cause of our anxiety and move forward.
Recently, I read an article in the Washington Post by Luana Marques, PhD headlined “Avoidance, not anxiety, may be sabotaging your life.” (June 16, 2023). The author, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, offers a useful framework for identifying avoidant behavior and addressing it.
Ways we avoid:
Reacting – Avoidance manifests in a “reaction” if we are acting quickly with a primary aim of eliminating the source of discomfort. This action is avoidant because rather than engage with and address a situation, we prioritize getting away from it as quickly as possible. Likely it will come back again, stronger and more pressing than ever.
Retreating – We can avoid a situation by retreating in many ways. Maybe we protect ourselves by “not putting ourselves out there” and staying away from situations where discomfort might arise, like public speaking. Or we retreat into a world of distractions and busy ourselves with other work.
Remaining – Remaining is an avoidant approach when we fear the discomfort and uncertainty of change. Even when we believe the change is something good and valuable – for example, a change of job or relationship – we can avoid by focusing on the comforts of the elusive and ineffable status quo.
In coaching I work with clients on ways of building awareness of avoidant behaviors with questions like these:
❓ Do you find yourself reacting, retreating, or remaining when facing uncomfortable situations?
❓ How might this behavior be contributing to anxiety or general unease in your life and work?
❓ What can you do to increase your awareness of these behaviors when they occur?
❓ What would it be like to be free from these anxieties?
In my next post, I’ll cover the techniques Dr. Marques offers to help combat these avoidant behaviors.
To discuss more, connect with me here or at john@aconnectedcoach.com