How do You Feel about Saying “No”?
❓ How do you feel about saying No?
No. It’s one of the most powerful and direct words in the English language and as such demands to be used with care. I’ve met a few people who are very comfortable saying No (maybe too comfortable at times) and a lot of people – maybe most – who shy away from it in different ways. This shyness limits our ability to assert our identity and interests, to form and protect boundaries, and to strengthen our personal and professional relationships.
I recently read a highly accessible, practical, and informed exploration of the topic of how to say No effectively, The Power of a Positive No by William Ury, published in 2007 and still highly relevant. (You might be familiar with one of his prior books, Getting to YES, to which he sees The Power of a Positive No as a prequel of sorts.)
In this book, Mr. Ury sets out the familiar ways in which our shyness of saying No arises in situations large and small. Do you recognize any of these tendencies in yourself when you feel the need to assert you No?
❌ Accommodate – Say Yes when you really want to say No
❌ Attack – Say No so aggressively and forcefully that you escalate tensions and damage relationships
❌ Avoid – do you best to delay and say neither Yes nor No
If you fall back on any of these methods (separately or in combination) when confronted with a situation that demands a No, consider the practical framework and great explanation Mr. Ury provides. The three-stage process will give you the confidence to say No in a way that honors your needs and intention while respecting others and potentially deepening, rather than weakening, relationships.
1️⃣ Find your Yes. There’s a reason that No is the right answer for you. It’s important that you understand the underlying Yes that’s behind your No.
2️⃣ Deliver your No. How you say No is critical to how it will be received by others. As part of the No you might include a proposal that you could say Yes to and lead to a positive result for both parties.
3️⃣ Follow-through. How often do you say No only to end up backtracking later when pushed? The third stage is key to keeping your No while negotiating to your alternate proposal.
While I love the simplicity of the framework and the practical guidance the book offers, I know that these steps take work, practice, and confidence. As a leadership coaching and career transition coach, I work with clients on these areas to help them navigate the tough situations where finding their Yes, delivering their No and following through to a better outcome propels them to achieve their goals.
If this topic interests you and you want to talk more, connect with me here or at john@aconnectedcoach.com.