Are You Too Nice?
“I’m too nice.”
I hear this a lot from clients who are wrestling with questions about how they show up at work.
This statement typically serves as an explanation for certain behaviors such as: always saying “yes” to additional work, refraining from delegating tasks, holding back feedback that will be tough to hear, or supporting a promotion that might not be appropriate.
❓ What does “I’m too nice” mean?
❓ Is being “too nice” a problem?
❓ If so, how do we “fix” it?
Note, it’s hard to imagine ever telling a client “stop being nice” or “be less nice.” I’m a nice guy! I like working with nice people. Let’s not make the world less nice, ok?
Instead, I work with the client to understand what “being nice” means to them and how “being nice” forms part of their self-identity. Many of us, women especially, are socialized to prioritize behaviors that are pleasant and agreeable, kind and respectful, and to call this way of interreacting with others “being nice.”
Maybe this lesson served us well in kindergarten or in the sandbox, but it can be tough to square with challenges that arise in mature, socially complex settings.
Typically, the coaching work can branch off in a few directions from here.
1️⃣ Broaden our perspective on what it means to be nice. Is it “nice” to withhold feedback that can help a team member develop? Is it “nice” take on so much responsibility that you burn out and put yourself and the team’s progress at risk?
2️⃣ Redefine “being nice” as how we take the right action, not defining the right action. If the right decision for the business is to delay promoting someone, that’s what you do. What messages can make this unfortunate, hard to hear news, helpful and respectful to the recipient?
3️⃣ Challenge ourselves to see a desire to “be nice” as a potential red flag that signals an avoidance pattern. When pressed, many of us hide behind the “nice” identity as a way to avoid certain unpleasant situations. We avoid confrontation, we shy away from asserting ourselves, or we cover up a lack of confidence by “being nice.” “Being nice” becomes our excuse – ironically, this behavior helps no one, and can’t even be considered “being nice” to ourselves.
Next time you’re feeling torn between “being nice” and taking actions you know deep down are correct, take a pause and broaden your perspective and decide how you can be nice while engaging head on with the challenges in front of you. You’ll feel better about your actions, get to the right place faster, and probably develop a well-deserved reputation for truly being nice.
To discuss leadership topics such as this in more depth, connect with me here or at john@aconnectedcoach.com